Healing Anna's Heart
Josh settled his gaze on Anna, searching her face. “We didn’t get a chance to talk yesterday at lunch. I wanted to apologize to you. About what happened … between us that morning.”
Anna shook her head. “You already did, and there’s no need.”
He rested his hand on her arm, letting it slide down the sleeve of her cardigan. “I care about you, Anna. The last thing I want to do is harm our friendship.” His gaze was tender, the conflict within him evident on his face.
“Honestly, Josh, it’s not a big deal,” she insisted, though her heart beat at a quickening pace. His nearness made her unsteady on her feet, as though she were struggling to stand on a ship pitching in a stormy sea. “I’m as much to blame as you. If you want to pretend it never happened, then that’s what we’ll do. Don’t give it another thought.”
Josh held her there, restraining her as much with his eyes as with the gentle squeeze on her arm. “So once again, I suppose it meant nothing,” he said, his tone hardening.
“That’s not what I meant. I just thought you’d rather forget about it, since you obviously feel it was a mistake.” The edge in Anna’s voice matched his, surprising her; after all, she’d regretted it as much as he had.
“A mistake, maybe, but it did mean something to me. Just as it did the first time I kissed you. I did have feelings for you, Anna, for a long time before that. But there was nothing I could do about it. You belonged to Ben.”
She had belonged to Ben. The relevance of Josh’s words rang in her ears with sudden clarity. Ben had always been courteous and attentive, taking pleasure in having Anna on his arm at functions; he never tired of complimenting her beauty or spoiling her with gifts. But at the same time she couldn’t shake the sense that Ben had claimed her as his property. She never felt that he knew her heart, or understood her needs—or even realized the importance of these things. It was the reason she couldn’t see herself married to him.
She rested her palm on the lapel of his jacket, her heart swelling as she absorbed the rest of what he had just told her. Maybe her uneasiness with Ben had come from her longing for something more—the tenderness and understanding she’d seen in the eyes of another man, and then felt in his kiss.
“I didn’t know,” she said slowly. “I mean, the way you kissed me at the party, I knew there was something there. But I guess I figured it was the champagne, mostly. And you were upset about something that had happened at the hospital, not quite yourself.”
“It must be obvious that those feelings are still there, as much as I tried to push them aside after you left for Montreal.” Capturing her hand again, he pressed her palm to his chest, where she felt his heart throbbing beneath the crisp fabric of his shirt. “But I understand that you’re still grieving for Ben. I didn’t mean to add this complication.”
Anna let her gaze drift away, balling her hand into a fist against his shirt as her own chest ached. “There’s something you don’t understand, Josh. I’m not grieving for Ben. I mean I’m still so very sorry he died, but I’m not sorry we didn’t get married. Mainly I just blame myself for what happened.”
Anna shook her head. “You already did, and there’s no need.”
He rested his hand on her arm, letting it slide down the sleeve of her cardigan. “I care about you, Anna. The last thing I want to do is harm our friendship.” His gaze was tender, the conflict within him evident on his face.
“Honestly, Josh, it’s not a big deal,” she insisted, though her heart beat at a quickening pace. His nearness made her unsteady on her feet, as though she were struggling to stand on a ship pitching in a stormy sea. “I’m as much to blame as you. If you want to pretend it never happened, then that’s what we’ll do. Don’t give it another thought.”
Josh held her there, restraining her as much with his eyes as with the gentle squeeze on her arm. “So once again, I suppose it meant nothing,” he said, his tone hardening.
“That’s not what I meant. I just thought you’d rather forget about it, since you obviously feel it was a mistake.” The edge in Anna’s voice matched his, surprising her; after all, she’d regretted it as much as he had.
“A mistake, maybe, but it did mean something to me. Just as it did the first time I kissed you. I did have feelings for you, Anna, for a long time before that. But there was nothing I could do about it. You belonged to Ben.”
She had belonged to Ben. The relevance of Josh’s words rang in her ears with sudden clarity. Ben had always been courteous and attentive, taking pleasure in having Anna on his arm at functions; he never tired of complimenting her beauty or spoiling her with gifts. But at the same time she couldn’t shake the sense that Ben had claimed her as his property. She never felt that he knew her heart, or understood her needs—or even realized the importance of these things. It was the reason she couldn’t see herself married to him.
She rested her palm on the lapel of his jacket, her heart swelling as she absorbed the rest of what he had just told her. Maybe her uneasiness with Ben had come from her longing for something more—the tenderness and understanding she’d seen in the eyes of another man, and then felt in his kiss.
“I didn’t know,” she said slowly. “I mean, the way you kissed me at the party, I knew there was something there. But I guess I figured it was the champagne, mostly. And you were upset about something that had happened at the hospital, not quite yourself.”
“It must be obvious that those feelings are still there, as much as I tried to push them aside after you left for Montreal.” Capturing her hand again, he pressed her palm to his chest, where she felt his heart throbbing beneath the crisp fabric of his shirt. “But I understand that you’re still grieving for Ben. I didn’t mean to add this complication.”
Anna let her gaze drift away, balling her hand into a fist against his shirt as her own chest ached. “There’s something you don’t understand, Josh. I’m not grieving for Ben. I mean I’m still so very sorry he died, but I’m not sorry we didn’t get married. Mainly I just blame myself for what happened.”